One Year Later...

and I miss you more than ever. God rest your soul, sweet Tonya. I love you.

An Early June Daybook

Outside my window...
We had a wild rainstorm last night- thunder, lightning, the works.

I am thankful...
for my husband. He's my safe place.

I've been looking all over for these pictures, and I found them!!! Tonya took all of these during one of her visits. This is the day she introduced my girls to Fancy Nancy. She gave them Fancy Nancy books, feather boas, and tiaras. She put make-up on them and then took a whole bunch of pretty pictures. She was such a great auntie.

I am thinking about...
how useless it is to wash the glass on the screen doors when the sun is shining and the kids are in and out. I think they stay clean for about 12.4 seconds before hands smudge them again. Best not to complain about it, though. There will come a day soon enough when there are no little hands to smudge the glass. What a sad day that will be.

Learning all the time...
Have I mentioned that we're done?! (happy dance) This was easily the most productive year of homeschooling we've had yet. I learned a lot about my own teaching style, about what motivates my kids, and about what parts of the curriculum are most essential. Hmmm... sounds like a blog post is in the works, doesn't it?

From the kitchen...
Andy's been making all kinds of smoothies. I've been downing copious amounts of sweet tea. I refuse to publicly admit the kinds of food we've been feeding our children. ;) When the sun is shining, I don't much feel like cooking!

I am creating...
I just finished putting together a little scrapbook of our weekend together for my nephew. Popping it in the mail today- I'm really happy with it, hoping it will make him smile.

I am working on...
grieving, which friends assure me will take a good long while. I don't want it to take a long while. I just want to feel better. My personality is not used to this constant low-level depression that lurks under everything else, and it frustrates me that I feel "down" so easily. I'm usually the optimistic one in the group (you know, the perky one who drives everyone else crazy). Now I'm struggling to find my natural perkiness.

This one's for you, Tiff. :)

I am going...
to the dentist, to the lake, to the ballet studio.

I am hoping...
for a sweet and peaceful summer.

Tonya's Peach (on the right) with my little guy.

I am reading...
I read Mennonite in a Little Black Dress last week- very much liked it. (disclaimer: that one can get a bit crude. I happened to find it hilariously funny, but please don't send me hate mail if you get offended by the language- it's a bit brash!) I tried to read The Shape of Mercy by Susan Meissner, but I just couldn't get into it. Now I'm onto Saving CeeCee Honeycutt, which I already love. I need to dig back into my C.S. Lewis reading. I've barely started The Problem of Pain.

I am praying...
-for my nephew, and for my brother. Big transitions.
-for Elizabeth DeHority.
-for my new friend at the ballet studio whose husband is dying of cancer. For the kids.
-for my Grandpa.
-for my sister and my newest nephew
-for Katie, and for Sarah, and for LIFE!

She didn't make Snapdragon fancy, of course, but she did take some pictures of him. She captured such sweetness with her camera.

I am hearing...

Francesca Batistelli. Man, that song is the story of my day. Lost keys, lost cell phone, speeding tickets? Yeah. Anyway, Prim and I have been singing that song around the house.

Around the house...
I reorganized my kitchen cupboards- put the pots and pans up high, plates and bowls down low. I like it much better this way. Now the kids can reach everything they need on their own. I'm thinkin' my kids can actually load/unload the dishwasher with the way things are set up, now.

One of my favorite things...
babies.

A few plans for the rest of the week...

Ballet, ballet, ballet. Lake day with the homeschoolers from church. A few dentist appointments. Pentecost!

{Tap, Tap}

Is this thing on??

Yikes- I'm breaking records here, I think. I'm fairly certain I've never gone two full weeks without checking in here before! Life has been busy and messy, sweet and heartbreaking. I went to North Carolina over Memorial Day weekend to love on my nephew for a few days.

We had a blast together- I'm so very glad I went. He's an amazing kid. I also had the chance to meet several of Tonya's family members whom I've not met before. What a kick- I absolutely adore her sister, and it was really a sweet privilege to meet everyone in the family.

We had our end-of-year party with the homeschool co-op last night. It went well! The girls performed a ballet piece they choreographed themselves, and Primrose played piano.  They all displayed their year's worth of work on tables for families to peruse. Now that that's done, I'm wrapping up odds and ends of the school year (we're done- hooray!) and trying to establish a bit of order around the house.

I'm feeling very burned out these days- not of anything in particular, just burned out in general. Grief is hard, long, draining work. I don't much like it. I'm happy to welcome summer and the change of pace it promises. I've got a list going of all the things I'm most hoping will fill our summer days; I'll try to get back here this week to share my list.

In the meantime, I've got another gallon of sweet tea to brew and a pile of laundry calling my name.

Love!

On Mother's Day

I keep meanng to post here- as though posting about our everyday normal life will convince me that everyday, normal life does indeed go on. It does, kind of. Ginny said it beautifully on her blog earlier this week, actually. She was thinking about the tragic loss of her stepmom in a car accident about a year ago, and she said that: People die, and life just keeps rushing on. Everyone has to find their own way around, figure out how to move on. I just want things to be the same, and of course they never are.

That's exactly how I feel. Like one moment I'm frantically grabbing joy wherever I can get it- laughing hysterically with a friend, tucking a child in to bed, brewing tea. The next I'm sitting in a church pew and I'm overcome with tears. I try to dislodge that pit that sits in my throat, but it won't budge.

It's all just really, really hard. Maybe today even more so, being that it's Mother's Day. Tonya was one of the best mothers I've ever known. I would just watch her as she interacted with her son, and I would make notes in my head. Her tone, her words, the look in her eye- it all conveyed such high expectation and infinite love- the perfect combination. I wanted to be the kind of refuge she was.

No wonder, then, that I find myself beating fists against heaven, screaming why over and over and over, begging God to give me just one good reason He let her slip from us here, when she was so needed and so loved. But I know that I'm a foolish child, demanding to know reasons for everything instead of trusting that He knows best, loves most, and sees all. He loves my nephew more than anyone of us ever could.

I know all that.

I do.

It's my heart that needs the constant reminder.

Anyway, for today- pictures that make me smile.

Tonya and my little guy- he just adored her. I remember when this picture was taken. He had gotten up from where he was sitting to lay down next to Aunt Tonya, even as she threatend to sweeten him with "sugar" (kisses) against his will. :)



With her son, my nephew



Happy Mother's Day, Tonya. We miss you desperately.

 (Thank you all so much for your kind emails and phone calls. I haven't gotten back to any of you, but please, please know that your thoughts and prayers have meant so very much to me.)

May Day :: A Daybook

Outside my window...
Today it's beautiful- still in the 50's, though. It could really warm up a bit. Not that I'm complaining or anything. This last week we had enough SNOW to make 50-degree-weather seem like summer heat. So.

I am thankful...
for friends who bring me tea and cookies and call to make sure I'm doing okay. It's been a rough week.

I am thinking about...
Meanwhile, the cross comes before the crown and tomorrow is a Monday morning.
~C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

And man, is that ever true.

Learning all the time...
We're just keepin' on keepin' on. Nothing terribly inspiring- just steady progress.

From the kitchen...
Are you ready to be shocked?

No. Like, really shocked.

Are you sitting down?

My mom and sisters should probably click away now. Karla? Are you there? Turn your head, please. You'll be ever so disappointed in me, I'm afraid.

I..... (big breath).... gave up coffee.

I know.

Scandalous, isn't it?

I have now been off coffee for a solid week straight. The caffeine headaches have come and gone (thank the LORD, because those things were k-i-l-l-e-r), and I tucked away my coffee pot for good (or at least until you come for a visit, because lawda mercy, I'll still make you some when you come for a visit).

And you know what? I feel better. That dull thumping in my head that is my ever-constant-companion-upon-waking is gone. And I feel less antsy- more settled or something.

The real reason I ditched coffee was because I got a really bad ulcer last weekend. Really bad. It hurt. A lot. And I had to stay off caffeine until the medication started working and the pain subsided. And by then, the caffeine headaches had subsided, too, and I thought-- why go back??

I know, right. Why NOT go back?! I am from the Pacific Northwest, you know. We don't just "give up coffee" where I'm from- not anymore than we give up breathing.

But. I did. And I'm avoiding Starbucks like the plague because I am really only human. A human from these-here-Seattle-parts, at that.

Mom? Mom, are you there? It's okay. You can start breathing now. ;)

I am creating...
letters every week for a nephew who needs them.

I am working on...
finding joy. A really, really hard thing to do after such tragic loss. I'm frantically grabbing it wherever and whenever I can.

I am going...
to see Meghan!!! All week!!! She's coming!!! Tomorrow!!! And staying!!! For a week!!! And I'm just a wee bit excited about that. I really, really need her now.

I am hoping...
for grace beyond measure to shower on everyone who misses Tonya. Sweet Jesus, have mercy.

I am reading...
The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield

I am praying...
for my nephew, and for everybody taking care of him.

I am hearing...

The Elizabeth Mitchell station on Pandora.

Around the house...
Clean enough, more or less. The laundry room could use a better system, I'm realizing (especially after reading Smart Martha's Catholic Guide for Busy Moms- what a great book! The chapters on Laundry, Memory Keeping and Babies are especially helpful, I think). I ordered this laundry sorter, and I'm hoping to make the laundry room a bit more efficient.

One of my favorite things...
Laughter.

A few plans for the rest of the week...

Meghan!!!

Here is a picture thought I am
sharing with you....

From Summer 2009. Tonya always loved pampering my girls. She introduced them to Fancy Nancy, and Tulip has never been the same. :) She always had a girly gift for them- like boas or tutus or little make-up sets. Here, she's painting Prim's toenails. And she's probably telling Prim how pretty she is. She did a lot of that, too. :)



Wordless Wednesday :: Missing Tonya

At Pike Place Market, the day we spent in Seattle together

Up in the Space Needle- that same day (such a good memory for me)

In New York this last Christmas- just Tonya and her Peach

More often, Tonya was behind the camera. Like here. She took this picture of her Peach and my Snap

And here, at my little sister's wedding

She took so so many beautiful pictures of my children

Oh, how I miss her already.

(The members of her church have created a beautiful place to Remember Tonya. Check it out, if you like. Tonya was an incredible, beautiful person, and there are so many who miss her.)

Tonya went to be with Jesus last night. Please continue your prayers, especially for her 9-year old son, my precious nephew.

We are devastated and heartbroken. Please, please pray.